1. South Park: A show that I once compared to American foreign policy in a paper I wrote in college, and has a gift for making me double over laughing. Also, the crackbaby episode was an excellent commentary on the ridiculous amateurism rules in the NCAA. FREE ED O’BANNON FROM THE SERVITUDE OF TOYOTA!
2. NBA Playoffs: As my biography states, basketball is my religion, and the NBA Playoffs, along with March Madness and the Final Four are my High Holidays.
3. Game of Thrones: I’ve used my academic experience in Political Science in concert with my Film Studies classes to overanalyze conflict in popular culture with moving pictures (see: #1 on this list). Also, I’m a dude, and GOT has plenty of tits and gore, which always work.
The NBA does those ridiculous mashup commercials for movies, such as Cars 2 (seriously, Larry the Cable Guy as a rusty tow truck is the last thing I think of as an NBA fan), X-Men: First Class (looks dope, but the commercial makes me hate Wade and Lebron even more), and Bruckheimer’s newest con to steal America’s money Pirates of the Carribean (The best one, especially Johnny Depp reacting to Charles Barkley taking a bath).
Personally, it’s a shame that they don’t do a mashup with Game of Thrones. The experts in both arenas thirst for the past: every sportswriter and ESPN talking head still pines for the days of His Airness’ dominance. Jordan was the Mad King, using his thirst for competition to cut off the heads of anyone who got in his way. And now, everyone aspires to his throne, and each team is like the families that compete for power in westeros.
Miami Heat: The Lannisters
Lebron and Wade are doing it together, which is just wrong, like the twincest between Cersei and Jamie Lannister that produced three legally bastard sons. (That is how I will view the championships they win together, the first of which is likely to come this year.) I consider Lebron to be Jamie in this relationship because despite his amazing abilities, he has never shown himself to be dominant enough to win a championship, even with the talent surrounding him. He also looks down on the subjects of the kingdom. Bosh is the imp, who will never be as good, but still has a gift of being able to dominate. Still he will be mocked mercilessly, even if they do win, because somehow, he is the second biggest diva ofthat the Big 3 besides Lebron. (also, peep the fat white girl Bosh was trying to get drunk on Avion tequila on Entourage)
Spoelstra is like King Robert. While Robert is drunk and therefore not as easily able to wield his power, Spoelstra is at the whim of Lebron, Wade, and Pat Riley, and any misstep in the opinion of the stars and the NBA Executive of the Year (read: no championship and bad strategy) will mean his head will roll when the offseason begins.
Chicago Bulls: The Starks
Derrick Rose is Lord Eddard “Ned” Stark. He has proven himself to be outrageously valuable to the kingdom (the NBA) as he revitalized the NBA and its third most successful franchise in its third largest market. He has the chance to repeat the success of his “father,” Michael Jordan, but like Lord Stark, he doesn’t have as many allies as he thought. Carlos Boozer, his squire, has been a loyal big man scorer, but his efforts have been neutralized so far. Luol Deng is Eddard’s brother, Benjen Stark, who takes on the toughest duties as a Ranger in the Night’s Watch in the North. Deng has taken on the main offensive threats to the Bulls and performed well: he has limited Lebron in the half-court as much as one can, after havin dealt with Danny Granger and Joe Johnson in the Bulls’ first two series of these playoffs. However, as his house becomes weak, his efforts are becoming less meaningful. Joakim Noah is Robb Stark, who must defend the his family’s castle while his father serves the king. Noah is tasked with defending the rim behind the Bulls defense, and has not had a real threat at being posterized yet. Omer Asik is like Bran because he broke his fibula at the hands of the Heat (just as Bran broke his because he witnessed the aforementioned twincest) and won’t be walking. However, I don’t think Chris Bosh will build him a harness so he can ride a horse, mostly because Bosh seems to not be that nice. Kurt Thomas is like the Bulls’ dire wolf, who will come out and protect his teammates when necessary, but understands that he is a supporting member. And Keith Bogan is Jon Snow, the bastard. Bogans is a 3-point specialist who isn’t exactly a 3-point specialist, making him an outcast among his family and the butt of much of the Bulls’ 3 game losing streak that has them in a hole. And of course, Kyle Korver must be given a role, especially because he is sick of being told he looks like Ashton Kutcher (so would I, Kyle, so would I). Korver is Araya, the tomboy who knows how to wield a sword but is protected by her father from seeing any sort of battle when she is sent back to Winterfell from King’s Landing. Korver’s minutes should be much greater in comparison to Bogans, who is a worse shooter and offensive player. Both are equally bad at defending as well.
And this could not be complete without the voiceless coach, Tom Thibodeau. Thibs is like Ned’s wife, Catelyn, in that he plots ways to get back at the Lannisters for hurting her son. Thibs is can come up with some great schemes from the bench, but sometimes the troops he is working with are unable to execute his plans.
Dallas Mavericks: The Targaryen-Dothraki Alliance
Kevin Durant, in this case, is Viserys Targaryen, who wanted to utilize the Dothraki (beating the Mavs) to climb to the Iron Throne. However, he underestimated the attachment between his sibling, Daenerys (Nowitzki, another huge scorer who has a game like a guard), and Kahl Drogo (Jason Kidd, still a wizard of a game manager). Many have thought that of Nowitzki and Kidd because of how old they are. While Durant was magical during the year, with a deft scoring touch that gave him the League scoring title, Dirk has shown himself, like Daenerys, to have the true magic touch. She cannot be burned, and is the true dragon, like Dirk, who somehow only missed TWO free throws in that five game series and shot 56%, hitting ridiculous shots with almost no window while being guarded by Nick Collison and Serge Ibaka. Jason Terry, Shawn Marion, Peja, Tyson Chandler, Brendan Haywood, JJ Barea, and Corey Brewer (because he always looks stoned) are the loyal guard of the Kahl and Calisi (Nowitzki and Kidd). Like the Dothraki, they have waited for their opportunity to cross the Narrow Sea and take out the superpowers on the other side. They seem to have overcome their fear of water and when they get on land, they will be dangerous.
Also, Mark Cuban is Illyrio Myopatis, the dude who set up the union of Daenerys and Kahl Drogo in hopes of creating an army that would retake the Seven Kingdoms across the ocean. Cuban may see that Larry O’Brien trophy soon enough.
The Lockout: The White Walkers
I am an amateur NBA historian, but this is the best playoffs I have seen in my 17 years watching them. I saw Michael dominate, which was great, but you know the ending, which sucks), the Spurs dismantle (BOOOOOORRRIIING), and the Lakers dominate (which was boring because of how well they did it), but this year has been unreal. The Grizzlies showed themselves to be the best 8-seed in playoff history (The 1999 Knicks don’t count because they played in the lockout-shortened season). The Heat has given the country an amazing villain to complain about, and Dirk’s continued dominance surrounded by old players is compelling enough that I forget how much his dad looks like the villains from the first and third Indiana Jones movies.
But a grave threat lies beyond the season just as one lies beyond the magical ice wall in the North of the Seven Kingdoms: a lockout. The Whitewalkers reportedly haven’t existed in thousands of years, just as labor strife was claimed to be a nonissue before this year. But now, it’s looking like the opposite is true in both cases, with Billy Hunter saying this to the press, and many members of the Night’s Watch disappearing, including Benjen. This would put a damper on what would be another exciting offseason, even with the Carmelo sweepstakes ended early (Imagine if they did that with the lottery) and a pretty mediocre draft class coming out.
If the Whitewalkers did kill every subject of the Seven Kingdoms, we’d lose out on the drama. Mr. Hunter and David Stern need to work this out, or like Roger Goodell, they will realize how stupid their pontificating (Seriously? The Wall Street Journal? Maybe you should write this letter to G-5 Owners Monthly and some yachting magazine. Or the KKK’s monthly e-mail list. ROGER GOODELL IS A COMPLETE JOKE) will be when the fans get angry. I hope that both seasons don’t get spoiled, but especially the NBA because of how amazing these playoffs have been.
To get you ready to jump through a window, Justice, Adidas, Lionel Messi, crazy Argentinians that deify Lionel Messi, Derrick Rose, the haka (which makes me poop my pants, and you would to if a group of Maori were doing this in front of you) and Katy Perry’s boobs (sort of):